You may ask: "Why do I lack
self-confidence? If I have therapy,
will I be more confident?"
The answer to the first question is
simple. You learned not to be confident as
you grew up. Or, rather, you were taught how
to be unconfident by the people who raised
you, who may not necessarily have thought at
all times (or even much of the time) of what
was best for you and how to meet your needs.
All children are born confident. They
are naturally confident, self-expressive,
uninhibited and curious. As they grow, their
parents, their teachers, their friends and
their siblings may not offer the positive
nurturing and encouragements that a child
needs.
They may criticize, judge and condemn.
They may be discouraging when a child shows
her youthful naivety or enthusiasm. They
many come from their own victim place -
whatever the mechanism, the cause of the
loss of confidence in a child is the
negative words and actions which older
figures (or even those of the child's peer
group) impose on the child.
In psychotherapy it becomes possible to
understand these processes. You can gain
insight into why you feel the way you do and
why you act the way you do in life. You will
find out how triggers can stimulate you to a
reaction that would be more appropriate in a
child, and how you carry with you the
confidence-destroying words and actions of
your parents and siblings. But does therapy
help you to change?
There's the million dollar question. The
answer, I think, is a cautious: "It
depends." It depends on how deep the therapy
goes: for simple understanding is not enough
- you have to do something in therapy
to change these old behaviour patterns.
These patterns are very deep-rooted, and it
takes a lot of psychic energy to change
them.
However, it may not be necessary to
change them. You can choose to act in a
different way to the old behavior patterns:
you can choose the path of optimism and
self-determination rather than being a
victim and being controlled by others; you
can choose the path of self-confidence and
happiness rather than lack of confidence and
weakness.
This choice depends on you really wanting
to be confident, on really being motivated
to seek a change, and willing to take a
risk. Of course simply trying new behaviors
won't bring about a massive increase in your
self-confidence overnight. On the contrary,
it will produce small successes on which you
can build so as to develop a new pattern of
behaviour which you know is sustainable.
How important is
past life experience?
Well, the answer, of course, is very
important. Your past life experience made
you who you are, with all your attitudes,
thoughts and feelings, including your level
of confidence in different circumstances.
But that does not mean you have to be
bound by it, as I explained above. Yu do
have the power to choose a different way of
thinking, and you do have the energy to
sustain that new way of thinking, even if
you snap back into the past unhelpful
behavior patterns at times.
On the other hand, understanding why you
are the way you are can be useful in finding
a new way of looking at things. The
following exercise may help you o see why
certain life experiences made your
confidence greater or less than you would
like it to be.
Imagine you have a rucksack, ma large
backpack, and into it you are going to place
a rock weighing about a couple of pounds, a
kilo, for every life experience you had that
seems significant. Look back as far as you
can: what was the first things you recall?
Going to school, or something earlier? Close
your eyes and extend this process of
remembering for as long as you care to,
right through from your early memories to
the present day. Then imagine that the
loaded rucksack, carrying all your memories,
experiences, and of course their
consequences, is on you back and you're
lugging it round the room. How does that
baggage feel? Hmmm.....
Now, when you get out of bed in the
morning, do you put that rucksack on? If so,
does it help your confidence?
Would it be better to think about nothing
more than what adventures and excitement and
positive experiences this new day is going
to bring you? Would that be more likely to
boost your confidence? Hmm.....
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