Increasing self-confidence
It's important to listen to the people
who can encourage you in your search for
greater self-confidence. When you begin to
change, the ones who have an interest in
holding you back will resist your attempts
to grow. At this point you'll need a clear
view of why you want more self-confidence,
how it will help you, and what you want it
for.
It might seem obvious - after all,
doesn't everyone want to be confident? Well,
yes and no. We aren't all confident in every
situation. Even the most confident-looking
individuals will have things and places they
do and go that make them anxious. That's a
simple fact - no-one is confident in every
situation. So no matter how much you admire
the poise of a film star, or the confidence
of a businessman being interviewed on TV, or
an actor giving his heart and soul to his
performance, you can rest assured that in
some way - sexually, socially, financially,
whatever - these people will have areas
where they are just as lacking in confidence
as you may feel yourself to be.
Having a plan, an idea of why you want
more confidence, is something you can hold
onto when self-doubt - either your own or
other people's - begins to nibble away at
the edges of your progress towards the more
confident you.
So: what does confidence mean to you?
How would greater self-confidence be
helpful to you?
Can you put down on paper the three or
four most important reasons why you would
like to be more confident?
Consider why each of these is important:
think in terms of the benefits, the changes
and the advantages that greater confidence
will bring you in each situation.
Give some thought to why you are having
problems in that area at the moment.
And then think of some small practical
steps you can take which would help you move
in the direction of greater self-confidence.
For example: you want to be more confident
in social situations, or when meeting new
people.
What makes this difficult right now: My
mouth goes dry and I feel panic when someone
I don't know approaches me.
What advantages would changing this
behaviour bring me: I would feel more
confident, more at ease and I would be able
to converse easily. This is important to me
since I love to find out about new people
and once I get to know them I can be a true
friend. Social interaction is important to
me.
I would like to be confident enough to
entertain easily, which I love to do, but
which is spoilt for me by my anxiety at the
moment.
Small steps you can take towards greater
self-confidence in this area: I can commit
to speaking to three people I don't yet know
at every function I attend. I will take the
email or phone number of two people and
follow up the next day with a call or email
to see if they would like to meet up again.
Doing things like this is important,
because it's a very effective way of
building confidence. But it's also important
to remember that the steps you take must be
realistic and measurable: steps which are
too big for you may cause you to fail and
reduce your confidence. And it's also
necessary to have a measurable outcome,
something you can identify as a point that
lets you know you have succeeded in
achieving your objective.
The Parent - Adult - Child view of the
world
As you probably know, your internal
thoughts and feelings are not consistent
from moment to moment. You see different
events in different ways, from a different
mental and emotional perspective.
Some of these viewpoints and attitudes
are necessary and helpful, and make you feel
more confident. For example: caring for your
child from a parental place, loving and
nurturing the child's developing sense of
self; logically approaching a problem from
an adult perspective to find a solution;
playing in a child-like way with your
children or partner.
Unfortunately there is a dark side to
these three positions: the critical Parent,
the one who diminishes confidence and erodes
self-esteem with critical, sometimes even
brutal remarks, the Child-like victim
mentality that causes us to lose our power
and erodes our self-confidence; and the
manipulative Adult who uses a situation to
his or her own ends.
The Parent ego state can be either
positive or negative. It's from here that
you make comments like: Here, let me help
you. You can do this. You're a lovely
person. I want to support you. Watch out! Be
careful! Play by the rules. Do it this way.
Don't do that. You're stupid. You're
useless.
And so on - the two sides of the parent
are encapsulated in the dichotomy between
the positive and the negative. Very few of
us had mostly positive parents, so the
negative "tapes" we hear replaying from the
Parent ego state in our heads tend to be
more prominent than the supportive ones.
Needless to say, it is the latter that
diminish our self-confidence. When we can
access our own positive self-care, when we
have learnt the ability to reassure
ourselves and nurture ourselves with
self-soothing, then we tend to be more
confident as adults.
The Adult ego state is the mental
position from which we carry our all the
functions that we need as adults to survive
in the world. It's about rational, logical
thought processes, and it can let you take
control of a situation unemotionally and
with a greater degree of self-confidence.
You hear it reflected in comments and
questions like: How do we do this? What's
the best way to approach this problem?
The Child ego state is, at its
best, seen in the happy, carefree confidence
of a child who knows he or she is supported
and loved and nurtured. Given freedom and
support to express itself naturally, a child
grows up with a strong positive Child ego
state. The downside, of course, is that
adults are often unkind - maybe not even
intentionally - to children, and the
negative side of the Child ego state becomes
encapsulated in thoughts and feelings that
diminish our confidence. Examples of Child
tapes: "I can do this, and I'm a wonderful
person". "I hate you." "I love you." "Wait a
minute." "I'm not doing that!" "I want...."
The problem is that we often fail to
recognize when we have slipped into a
negative Child or Parent ego state. Next
time you're experiencing a lack of
confidence, you can check out whether you're
playing unhelpful Parent or child tapes in
your head. And then - you can choose to
switch them off and replace them with
something a little more Adult and confidence
building. That's the true process and nature
of positive thinking.
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