Increasing self-confidence (2)
Continued from here
Once you have identified the beliefs
which make any situation stressful, you can
begin to change them. But changing beliefs
about the world like this can be difficult.
We all hold many inaccurate beliefs, either
because we have simply never questioned them
or because they have some personal value
(for example, many of our incorrect beliefs
reinforce our self-image and thereby
maintain our self-esteem). Here are some of
the major categories of belief which
contribute to stress and personal problems.
Believing that your life is controlled by
events in the world around you, and that
other people make you act as you do. These
two beliefs are closely related. In actual
fact, most people's lives probably are
controlled to a large extent by what goes on
around them. And it is not hard to see why.
Unless a person makes firm decisions about
the course he wishes his life to take, and
then begins to act in a way that will bring
his plans to fruition, he will inevitably be
buffeted about by circumstances beyond his
control.
Fortunately, one can learn to control
one's life - at least to a much greater
extent than many of us do at the moment.
What of the belief that other people make
you act as you do? A moment's thought
reveals how misguided statements such as:
'He made me so angry.' 'Now see what you
made me do!' are! You respond to events
around you with anger, for example, because
in some way you believe that anger is the
correct or appropriate response. You say
that other people 'made' you do something
because that is how you perceive the
situation - not because it really is like
that. In reality, we can all learn to
control our lives and our behaviour and our
actions - even though it may take time.
Believing that the way you see yourself
is correct, when in fact it is not. You may
perceive yourself as possessing more or less
attributes than you have in reality. In
either case, if an event or situation
challenges your self-image, you may
experience depression or anxiety. Yet it is
extremely difficult to see through the
personal beliefs, attitudes and prejudices
which contribute to an inaccurate
self-image. And it is extremely difficult to
ask for - or obtain - unbiased, objective,
helpful guidance from other people. One way
of overcoming these difficulties is to spend
a few minutes each day quietly reflecting on
how you behaved, how you would like to have
behaved, and what part of your behaviour
caused you to feel stressed, during the
events of the day. This kind of 'debriefing'
can be extremely helpful in providing a
focus for self-change. But don't let it
become obsessive.
Believing that you are inferior to other
people. Feelings of inferiority are
extremely common; indeed they are probably
one of the most common sources of emotional
distress in our society. Feelings of
inferiority may start as a perceived
inferiority or disadvantage in one area of
life or personality (a lack of charm, good
looks, education, intelligence, social
ability and so on) which then generalises to
a vague feeling of inferiority to the world
in general. Yet most therapists
would tell you that although the majority of
people think their moments of self-doubt,
their innermost secrets and desires, their
emotional experiences and behaviour, are
unique to them, in reality we are all
basically the same. Of course, we all have
different personal attributes and success in
life, but it is also a fact that for any
particular personal ability or attribute, we
are all inferior to some people and superior
to others. You must remember that social
status, education, upbringing and so on do
not indicate a person's innate 'value' -
even if society tends to adopt that
attitude. There are many other more
praiseworthy qualities: sincerity, loyalty,
honesty, affection, to name just a few. You
should also remember that even the people
you envy and admire do not lead perfectly
harmonious lives - in fact, everyone has
basically the same human problems. Finally,
trying to make yourself into something you
are not, in order to overcome feelings of
inferiority and
'compete' on an equal level, is futile.
Although taking greater care of your
appearance, improving your knowledge and
social skills, and so on, obviously help to
increase self-confidence, the real cure for
feelings of inferiority is to decide that
you are not inferior but are equal, and to
overcome the beliefs which stand between you
and happiness.
Believing that you must do everything as
near perfectly as possible. This belief has
been called 'the curse of perfectionism'. It
prevents you from obtaining satisfaction or
fulfilment from what you do; it causes you
constantly to examine and recheck your
actions, it makes you feel a failure if you
achieve less than perfection. Anyone with
this problem needs to learn to relax, take
pleasure in his achievements, and enjoy life
more.
Believing that lfailure reflects on you as
an individual. We have already explained
that failure may lower a person's
self-esteem. This is especially true when
someone has learnt to judge his sense of
self-worth by events outside himself - for
example, by what he achieves or by material
worth, status, respect from others,
financial or business power. In such cases,
failure to achieve something takes on a
greater significance: in that person's mind,
it implies he is 'no good', 'useless', 'a
failure'. Such a person should remember that
failure in what he does is not the same as
failure as a person. Furthermore, one cannot
compensate for a low self-esteem by
achieving material worth or any of the other
attributes mentioned above.
Believing that your emotional security
depends on a particular place or person.
Dependency is a major cause of stress.
People, places and relationships change
spontaneously, and such change can easily
cause depression in a person who has located
his emotional security in something outside
himself. But in addition, the threat of
change can cause separation anxiety and a
loss of self-esteem. So remember in
particular that being alone or not being in
love only threaten your self-esteem and make
you feel depressed if you are not sure of
your own self-worth: hence the saying: 'You
should learn to love yourself before you
begin to love other people.' In passing we
should also mention that the fear of
rejection is closely related to a weak
self-esteem and a high level of insecurity.
To avoid the lowering of self-esteem which
can result from rejection, a person may cut
himself off completely from all the
situations where rejection may occur. Hence
a person may be isolated because he cannot
handle his fear of rejection.
Believing that worry is effective. Worry
is futile and emotionally exhausting.
Believing that because you have failed
before, you will fail again. Research shows
that we judge ourselves by other people's
reactions to us. And, as we have already
explained, the way we judge ourselves
determines the way we behave. Thus a person
may become entangled in a series of negative
expectations about himself and his
abilities, which directly determine the way
he behaves. In the next section, we shall
describe some ways in which these negative
expectations can be defeated.
Visualisation is a powerful tool for
changing one's self-image. This is because
visualisation can alter the way you see your
own behaviour and also alter your
expectations of the outcome of any
situation.
To use these relaxation and visualisation
techniques, you relax and then, with your
eyes shut, visualise yourself (that is,
produce vivid mental imagery of yourself)
taking part in each aspect of the events
which currently produce anxiety. You may
feel some anxiety as you go through the
visualisation; if so, relax once more and
then continue where you left off. Thus, for
example, if you find it difficult to speak
to members of the opposite sex, you might
wish to visualise yourself in a scene in
which you introduce yourself to someone and
then talk to him or her in a relaxed way
with no feelings of anxiety.
Once you have successfully visualised
yourself coping adequately in a particular
scene, relax once more. For a few minutes,
do not think about the scene, but simply
maintain a relaxed state of body and mind.
Then return to the same scene and go through
it in your imagination once again. You may
feel some anxiety, but this should be less
than before. Obviously your aim is to see
Yourself coping in the previously feared
situation without any feelings of anxiety,
therefore you should go through this cycle
of visualisation and relaxation until that
is what you have achieved. No matter what
scene or situation you are visualising, make
an effort to see yourself as an integral
part of it, not just as though you are
watching it as a detached observer.
Sometimes it is useful to visualise a series
of scenes, each one of which is currently
more anxiety-provoking than the last.
An alternative approach is to prolong
your visualisation until your anxiety begins
to decrease of its own accord. If you adopt
this technique, once again your aim should
be to see yourself as a part of the
situation. Imagine each part of the scene as
you would like it to be; if your anxiety
increases to an uncomfortable level, stop
briefly and relax until it is under control.
You may need to repeat your visualisation
once or twice a day for several days until
you feel confident of your ability to cope
in the real situation.
Used correctly, these techniques have the
power to change the way in which you
perceive any situation, and also to modify
your expectations of the way it will affect
you. In other words, you begin to see
yourself as able to cope; your self-image in
relation to that situation is modified.
However, as we mentioned before, thought
alone is not enough: it needs to be followed
up with action. This is a very important
point. No matter what you fear, you will
have to expose yourself to it before you can
completely overcome your anxiety. For
example, if you never attend an interview,
you'll never be employed; if you never speak
to a member of the opposite sex, you'll
never get a date; if you never pluck up
courage to speak to strangers, you'll never
make new friends; and so on. In other words,
you have everything to gain by turning your
visualisation into reality.
However, this must be done in the correct
way. Clearly it would be unreasonable to
expect that you could cope with any
situation, no matter how stressful,
immediately. You must therefore set yourself
realistic targets which will allow you to
increase your confidence and overcome your
anxiety gradually. Don't, for example,
resolve that you will suddenly become the
'life and soul' of any social situation, but
pick a more realistic goal, such as
introducing yourself to two people each time
you meet a group of strangers. Moreover,
don't just make vague resolutions. Specify a
time or date by which you will achieve your
goal - and reward yourself in some way when
you are successful (for example, see a film,
buy yourself a new shirt or a bottle of
wine, or do something you really enjoy).
This kind of positive reinforcement
can be of great value. Much more information
and many suggestions about goal-setting can
be found in The Success Factor by Robert
Sharpe and David Lewis, and Shyness: What It
Is and What to do About It by Philip
Zimbardo.
BOOSTING SELF-CONFIDENCE
- How much
does self-confidence depend on the
possession of a comprehensive set of
social skills? Zimbardo (1981) has
suggested that there are two sorts of shy
people: the first have a complete set of
social skills but lack the confidence to
use them; the second simply don't have a
knowledge of social skills. In his book on
shyness (mentioned above) he outlined a
system for the development of social
ability covering the following areas:
• developing a manner which attracts and
holds other people's
attention
- •
developing the confidence to approach
feared situations by adopting a particular
'role'
- setting
goals
-
practising conversational skills,
including: making introductions,
initiating and maintaining a conversation,
giving and accepting compliments, planning
subjects about which you can talk
knowledgeably, and ending a conversation
or social meeting
- evolving
the ability to socialise freely and making
friends from acquaintances
- handling
interpersonal conflicts and becoming more
assertive
- planning
what to do in different situations
You may object to the idea that one can
overcome anxiety by planning 'strategies'
like these for use in social interactions.
However, there is no doubt that a certain
amount of forethought can considerably
reduce worried anticipation and anxiety
before any situation or event, in addition
to controlling your negative expectations
about the outcome of that event. If you feel
that social skills are one of your weak
points, such a programme may be very
helpful. We are, however, concerned here
with a more direct approach to boosting
self-confidence.
To use the self-hypnosis
technique we have described elsewhere:
A suggested approach for Stage 2 of the
tape recorder technique:
Your feelings of self-confidence are
increasing all the time now. Each day you
find your self-confidence is increasing, so
that in business, at home or in social
situations you are more relaxed and calm.
You are more confident when talking to other
people, more relaxed when you meet people
new to you. These feelings of
self-confidence are continuing to increase
gradually as each day goes by. And as your
self-confidence continues to increase, you
find that you can successfully achieve those
things which have made you feel anxious in
the past. [If necessary:] And as your
self-confidence increases, feelings of
inferiority are troubling you less and less
often, less and less severely all the time.
Very soon they will have gone away
completely.
Remember that there is no single correct
way to be socially skilful. If you watch a
group of people who seem socially adept, You
will probably see that they all have
different individual styles Some are 'good
listeners', while others will be witty
conversationalists, and so on. You may find
that by watching other people, you can model
your own actions on the parts of their
behaviour which seem most appropriate to
you.
In conclusion, we emphasise once again one
of the themes which has run through this
whole website: ultimately, any change in any
aspect of your personality can only occur if
you wish it should do so - and if you then
take appropriate action to make it occur.
|
Home
Sexual self-confidence
Quick ways to boost confidence
Holistic therapies for confidence
What is self-confidence?
Why do you lack self-confidence?
Why increase self-confidence?
Increase your self-confidence
Develop Supreme Self-Confidence
Self-hypnosis and confidence
Remember your strengths
Build a self-confident future!
Talking about self-confidence 1
Talking about self-confidence 2
Self-esteem and confidence
Self-image & self-confidence
Your beliefs & self-confidence
Social self-confidence
Build up your self-confidence
Tips for living confident life
Assertiveness and self-confidence
Steps to greater self-confidence 1
Increase self-confidence easily
Children & self confidence
Develop children's self-confidence |
