Beliefs: The Cause of a Loss or Lack of Confidence

The beliefs we hold have a fundamental effect on whether we have a high level of self confidence or we gradually experience a loss of confidence. Often when a person lacks confidence it is due to the fact that they hold one or more of the following beliefs.

1 Believing you have no control over the way you feel

Change is possible, and so is greater self-confidence. You can find loads of self-help techniques on this website and on the internet.

2 Believing that your life is controlled by events in the world around you

When you take clear decisions about the course you wish your life to take, and then begin to act in a way that will bring your plans to fruition, you will gain a confidence and power which exceeds anything you could ever have imagined possible

3 Believing that the way you see yourself is correct, when in fact it is not.

You may see yourself as possessing more or less confidence than you have in reality. In either case, if an event or situation challenges your self-image, you may experience a loss of confidence. It's difficult to see through the personal beliefs, attitudes and prejudices which contribute to a false self-image. One way of overcoming these difficulties is to spend a few minutes each day quietly reflecting on how you behaved, how you would like to have behaved, and what part of your behavior caused you to sense your lack of confidence during the events of the day. This kind of "debriefing" can be extremely helpful in providing a focus for self-change as long as it doesn't become obsessive.

4 Believing that you are inferior in some way to other people

Feelings of inferiority - which are broadly the same as a lack of confidence -  may start when you think you aren't as good as another person in one area of life or personality (a lack of charm, good looks, education, intelligence, social ability and so on) and this then becomes a more general sense of not being good enough and diminishes your confidence. But although the majority of people think their self-doubt, their innermost secrets and desires, their emotional experiences and behavior, are unique to them, in reality we are all basically the same. Of course, we all have different personal attributes and success in life, but for any particular personal ability or attribute, we are all inferior to some people and superior to others. Social status, education, upbringing and so on do not indicate a person's innate worth - even if society tends to adopt that attitude. There are many other more human qualities that matter more in interpersonal relationships: commitment, loyalty, honesty, affection, respect, to name just a few. And remember that even the people you envy and admire do not lead perfectly harmonious lives. There are likely to be situations in which they do not feel confident, just as there are for you. 

Although taking care of your appearance, improving your knowledge and social skills, and so on, can help to increase self-confidence, the real cure for feelings of inferiority is to know that you are equal, and to change the beliefs which stand between you and happiness.

5 Believing that you must do everything as near perfectly as possible

The curse of perfectionism prevents you obtaining satisfaction or fulfillment from what you do; it causes you constantly to examine and recheck your actions, it makes you feel a failure if you achieve less than the impossible standard of perfection. To learn to be just "good enough" is a major boost to self-confidence.

6 Believing that failure reflects on you as an individual

We have already explained that failure may lower a person's self-esteem. This is especially true when someone judges his self-esteem by events outside himself - for example, by what he achieves or by material worth, status, respect from others, financial or business power. Here, failure to achieve something takes on a greater significance: in that person's mind, it implies he is no good, useless, a failure. Such a person should remember that failure in what he does is not the same as failure as a person. But no-one can  compensate for a low self-esteem by achieving material worth or any of the other attributes mentioned above (though they may give you the resources to act happy!).

7 Believing that your emotional security depends on a particular place or person

Dependency is a major cause of low self-confidence. People, places and relationships change as life proceeds, and so if your  confidence is dependent on them, you're at the mercy of circumstances all the time. But in addition, the threat of change can cause anxiety and a loss of self-esteem. Being alone or not being in love aren't reasons to feel a low self-esteem, a lack of confidence. Indeed, some people find aloneness very nurturing. Again, it all depends on your perception of yourself and what is important to maintain your confidence.

8. Believing that because you have failed before, you will fail again

We judge ourselves by other people's reactions to us. And, as already explained, the way we judge ourselves determines the way we behave. So, if you lack confidence, you can become entangled in a network of feedback loops that reinforce that lack of confidence.

In the next section, we shall describe some ways in which these negative expectations can be defeated.