How To Help Your Child Become Self-Confident

As we've seen, strong self-esteem will help both child and adult alike through their entire lives. Strong self-esteem is the foundation of a high level of self-confidence, and a high level of self-confidence is the foundation of success. But it's more than that - it's the key to how a child (and the child as an adult) feels about him or herself. You know this from personal experience: when you feel good about yourself, you feel confident. When you feel confident, you think you can do more, mix socially much better, and things seem to fall at your feet easily, with less effort than you ever thought possible.

Yes, self confidence, and the high self esteem that go with it, are the key to well being and success right from birth. The question for any parent who wishes to see their child succeed (however you define that word, whether in material terms, social terms, financial terms, or fulfillment) is: "How can I help my child develop high level of self-confidence?"

A child's self-image and the effect on their self-confidence

What does your child see when he or she looks in the mirror? A confident, happy child who believes she can get things done, or a reflection that lacks confidence and believes there's no point trying, because she can't achieve anything? Whatever the answer to this question, the alarming thing is that you, the parent, are mostly responsible for the answer.

When a child has behavioral problems, the cause often lies in feelings of poor self-worth. From this stems a low self confidence, and from this comes a desire to be appreciated and liked (the only way the child can feel good about himself); and that makes the child vulnerable to the influence of others who might not have his or her best interests at heart.

I'd go so far as to say that all social and behavioral problems have their roots in low self-esteem and the attempts that people make to increase their feelings of self-worth. A person who is a pleasure to be around generally has a high self-esteem and stable feelings of self-worth; the opposite is nearly always true of anyone who is not a pleasant companion.

It follows that a child will be more popular if their self-esteem is high. And of course, this doesn't mean being arrogant or superior, narcissistic or self-centered. It means having a realistic assessment of one's capacities and abilities, of being in control of one's feelings (or at least able to soothe oneself when upset, and control one's anger). The connection between how a person sees himself and how he acts is absolute. To help a child feel good about himself and act with morality and decency towards others and towards himself, he must be encouraged to develop a strong self-esteem and high levels of confidence.

Perhaps the most compelling reason for helping a child to develop high levels of confidence is the ability it will give him or her to resist the people who are negative influences

Attachment between parent and child builds a child's self-confidence

Although it can be difficult for parents to be constantly available to their babies, there's little doubt that when a parent is very responsive to the needs of a baby, the baby develops a sense of self which is important to future high self-esteem and confidence. The only way the baby can know it is important and worthwhile is when the mother's responses to it are consistent, predictable and regular. Even better if the baby is held in a sling against the mother's body for many hours a day. But enough that it should be breast fed on demand and picked up and stroked lovingly with regular attention. However, not all babies require the same amount of attention, so a degree of sensitivity on the mother's part to the baby's specific needs is important - like when the baby has had enough contact and wishes to turn away from the mother, the mother needs to be attuned enough to respond appropriately.

It is the repetition of stimulus by baby and response on the mother's part that leads to the strong sense of self-esteem emerging. Over time, repeated most of the time, this is the foundation of confidence.

When a baby is very sensitive, this pattern of stimulus and response is especially important for the baby to develop good feelings about itself. The essence of the message that the child gets is: "I am worthwhile. People pay attention to me. My needs are important." When the parent's response is confused, unpredictable and unstable, the child may come to believe that there is no point asking for things or trying to interact with others: he may lose confidence in his abilities to influence the world around him and conclude that he has no power.

It's the first two years that are most important here: when the cues the baby offers are met by a response n the parents' part that meets the needs which the cue was expressing, the baby develops a sense of its own rightful place in the world, and a sense of being right in itself. Once again, this is the foundation of strong self-confidence. It's also the foundation of security and self-assurance, because the baby with responsive parents develops an ability to sooth itself which a baby whose needs are not met will develop much less strongly.

Clearly this allows the child to cope with negative experiences much better - it retains a strong sense of well-being, even in the face of the challenges that life offers. The important point is that the child knows what it feels like to be confident.

A confident parent produces a confident child

A fact which may be obvious, but is worth repeating. Raising a child can be therapeutic; it can heal the psychological wounds of the parent, and help the parent to avoid the patterns which were inflicted by their own parents. Low confidence does not have to be passed on to the next generation. You can interrupt the cycle by doing things differently for your child.

You know what helped you develop more confidence, and you know what damaged it. Therefore you have a base from which to start developing a repertoire of behaviors that will build up your child's self-esteem and ones which will reduce it.

Be happy and raise a happy, confident child

Because the child has not separated from the mother in the early years of life, she will somehow interpret the mother's feelings as being her own feelings. So an unhappy mother tends to produce an unhappy child,. or one who believes that the mother's unhappiness has something to do with the baby. It follows that to emerge from this merged state of being with a healthy level of self-confidence, the baby needs a mother who is not depressed, but who is self-confident and generally happy.

What's more, the child is exquisitely sensitive to the feelings and behaviors of the people around him. The reactions of his parents to his behavior have a major effect on how he sees himself. Negative and critical attitudes tend to be internalized and become the child's own self-image. So the sense that it is fun to be with the child, that he pleases you, and that he is a worthwhile person, are messages that convey themselves to the child and become incorporated into his self-esteem and contribute to his self-confidence. It's also a powerful tool to influence a child's behavior - when they are used to being on the receiving end of positive affirmations and strokes, one negative look or word is enough to change the child's behavior as it seeks to recapture the internal positive feelings normally associated with its sense of self. It follows also that this a good self-esteem and high confidence protects the child against a loss or lack of confidence in later life.

The most valuable thing you can give your child is your time

Being with a child makes the child feel he has value, that he is worth spending time with. And good play, where parents and children engage together in some activity of mutual interest is the best form of self-confidence building play. And play initiated by the child tends to be more engaging for the child and more of a confidence booster because it sees that Dad or Mom likes to do the things the child likes to do! You can always add a twist to the tale when you're reading the same story for the twentieth time.

It's also important to make sure your attention is with the child. If your mind is elsewhere, the child will sense that and respond to it, making conclusions about how much you want to be there, doing what you're doing. The more interest you take in the child's world, the more they will want to be with you later.

Nurture the whole person

All children have different abilities. But when you nurture a child's special talent you may find that the increase in self-confidence this produces spills over into other areas of life. And it is important not to let a child take the easy way out (which means not doing new and challenging things). Some children will be enthusiastic for many different things and seek out new experiences and sensations: some will not, being more shy or retiring by nature. These children, perhaps, are the ones who need encouraging to stretch themselves, so that they go beyond what is comfortable for themselves and learn more about their potential and how to fulfill it.

Eye contact, touching, and focused attention are what builds a child's self-esteem - as well as scoring high in tests and on the football field. But not all children can do the academic or sporting things, which emphasizes the fact that you need to reinforce the child's self-esteem without reference to the measures of success that society applies to us all. In other words, give your child approval and a sense of well-being independent of his  achievements. And of course, don't expect your child to do well at something just because you did!

Next: more on how to build high self-confidence in your children.