Self-Confidence and Self-Worth; Needing the Approval Of Others

Self confidence means you have a positive view of your own abilities and you are not limited by negative thinking which is unrealistic. In other words, you have a sense of what you can achieve, and a belief in your ability to do so. Of course this does not mean that your talents and abilities are unlimited, because we all have different strengths. Importantly, we also have different expectations of what we can do - and expectation is perhaps the greatest factor controlling what we achieve in life. The key factor here can be summed up as realism: if you are realistic about what you can achieve and your abilities, then you are more likely to be confident, since your experience tends to back up your beliefs about yourself.

Self-confidence also implies that setbacks will not leave you feeling helpless. It's an inevitable part of life that we attempt things we cannot achieve or complete: in fact, it's part of the process of growth for normal human beings, a part of the process of acquiring the skills and abilities needed to achieve our objectives and then set ourselves slightly more difficult ones. That's what personal growth is all about.

Another aspect to self-confidence lies in the word "self". If you depend on others for approval, for reinforcement of your positive qualities, then your self-esteem is likely to be weaker than someone who has a fundamentally sound view of his or her own abilities. Self-acceptance is crucial in developing good self-confidence; and self-criticism is a quick route to a loss of self-confidence. Depending on others for reassurance of one's worth is risky because it can potentially be withdrawn at any time. This may mean that you tend to avoid taking risks that might lead to people being critical, seeing you as a failure, or disapproving of you. Indeed, the loss of approval can be devastating to someone whose self-confidence depends on what other people think.

You can see how it follows that a list of personal qualities emerges from having adequate self-confidence: you don't depend too much on others to feel good about yourself; you expect to be successful; you don't put yourself down; you praise rather than criticize yourself and your achievements; you accept compliments gracefully; you risk the disapproval of others; you feel you can be an individual and you don't feel compelled to conform; you trust your own abilities. In essence, you believe in yourself.

It's clear that self-confidence is a quality that extends through a person's life, but if you think about this for a moment, it's also true that we all have areas where we don't necessarily feel so self-confident. Some people are good at sports, some are more academic. Some art naturally social, some are more withdrawn.

How do children become self-confident?

Mostly, it depends on the parents' attitudes to the child, especially in the earliest years. The key word here is acceptance. When parents are accepting of a child as it is, without trying to make it into the person whom they want it to be, the child learns that it is OK to be him or herself, and that his thoughts, feelings and behaviors are acceptable; this leads to the development of self-confidence. By contrast, criticism, disapproval, being overprotective, or discouraging the child's attempts to explore the world around him or her lead to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and above all a lack of self-confidence.

It's also important to understand how the influence of others can affect a person's self-confidence. If someone learns to focus on what others think - family, parents, friends - rather than on their own opinions, that person's confidence may become dependent on the expectations or influences of others. This is especially true of adolescents and college students, who need lots of positive reinforcement about their developing sense of self.

There are a lot of beliefs that influence how confident a person feels. Here are some of the most common.

"I must be liked by everyone." Alternative: Since this is perfectionist, and you will never attain it, how about working towards a sense of self which is based on a realistic assessment of your own values, abilities and goals?

"What has happened to me in the past determines what will happen to me in the future." Alternative: As a child, your confidence was certainly dependent on what others thought and did. But as an adult, this is only true if you allow it to be true. You always have the power to change things, especially the things you believe about yourself and the way you interact with the world.

"What people think of me is determined by my wealth and achievements." Alternative: You are a worthy person with plenty of attractive qualities and certainly with the ability to attract people on your own merits.

"I have failed again; what I've done isn't not good enough." Perfectionist thinking is bound to lead to disappointment. Only God is perfect; we humans, as mere mortals, are not perfect, and we all make mistakes. Self-confidence is more about having a realistic view of your abilities than believing you should be doing everything perfectly.

"Nothing goes right; the world is a bad, negative place." Well, it can seem that way if you search out the bad news, the dismal news, or the disappointing news. For some reason, we seem as a species, to be more inclined to look for the negative than the positive. But it is possible to change your viewpoint so that you see things in a much more positive light, and then your confidence will blossom as well.

"I see it that way so it must be true." No, that isn't so. Your beliefs can be wrong. For example, you may see yourself as a failure because you flunked one test; or you gave in to the temptation to eat an extra dessert; or you let a friend down. But none of these make you a bad person, and the fact that you have feelings around them means nothing more than that - you have feelings!

"I'm a loser." It's very easy to get into a pattern of negative thinking, and believe that this represents the reality. But in fact labeling things like this is a simplistic process and it's often done to justify feelings of guilt and blame. The opposite perspective can help boost confidence: "I am human and it is acceptable to make mistakes."

Positive thinking

By substituting positive thought patterns, you can increase your self-confidence and build up the positive thoughts and feelings you have about yourself. Here are some examples:

Emphasize your strengths. Think positively about everything you do, and appreciate that you have made the effort. By starting from a point where you know what you can do easily and what takes more effort, you'll be bale to gradually expand on the challenges you set yourself without feeling down about them - on the contrary, you'll both feel your confidence growing and be able to congratulate yourself on what you have achieved.

Take a risk. New challenges are really opportunities to increase your self-confidence, and not something at which you are bound to win or lose. Every time you do something new, you increase your sense of achievement, you increase your confidence and you increase your sense of self-acceptance. You also narrow the difference between your idea self-image and the reality of what you can do.

Engage in positive thoughts. Negative thinking is a process which erodes self-confidence and motivation. Although it does take some effort, you can interrupt the process by telling yourself firmly but gently to "stop it" and then substituting new thoughts which lead you to a more positive outcome. The best approach to building confidence through positive thinking is to remind yourself that you cannot do everything perfectly and that you are improving gradually day by day. This is a logical, adult process rather than a negative one coming from the repressions and inhibitions of childhood.

Think about your abilities for yourself: don't be so dependent on the opinions of others. Learning to evaluate your own achievements independently of what others think is a major step forward in developing greater self-confidence.